What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 05:47
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was scared of men, in general
I don,t even have a pension.
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We all went to grammer schools
Why am I so tired of the keto diet?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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He knew the spot.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
What caused North Korea to go poor when at first it was rich?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One cannot live in the past .
Im still living with it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As i do to all so called friends.?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I write beautiful poetry .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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Was to survive, this bastard.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But ive been too sick for many years..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was very sick at this time too.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Comes on , in middle age.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She found it foreign!.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I said to her
She loved him until the end.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Would this be the day?
What did i know ?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So, i spoilt her more .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
This is soul school!.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Especially a lifetime of it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Ive learnt so much.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Put me off passion for life!!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I never cut or harmed myself..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We were not on the streets..
My family never makes their pension either.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But it wasn’t much.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
So whats the point in blame.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I will be 64.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was 9 years of age.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She was in good health!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He resisted the act ,that day.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I think the readers, may guess!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
All the time i was locked up.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My life is so biszare .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I have no regrets .
But, we were locked up after school.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
When she asked me how she looked .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Who then, do I blame.?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
It was going to be , some day.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was seconnd youngest,
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She married twice! .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She wouldn,t have been !
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I waited trembling.
And i lived it daily.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.